SgAltima Presents: Dear Diary
by SgAltima
Summary: A diary-style story of the journey Usagi makes physically and emotionally to be with her soul mate. Dear Diary Is Complete! Enjoy!
1. Default Chapter

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Author's Prologue: Hello, my friends. One night in a galaxy far, far away, I had a fantasy of creating a story that was new with every chapter, that did not have to exist within the constraints of an outline to make sense.

This is a story of innocence and love. I do not plan to censor it in ANY way. There may be lemon in some places, but I am not writing a pure lemon. Sex and love are intertwined. Without the other, neither is exhilarating nor exciting.

I have no idea where this will end. I have no idea how many chapters there will be. All I know is that one night, I saw a picture of Rei holding Usagi and I wanted to write about them. That is all I will tell you. You'll have to read on.

__

Dear Diary is the story of Usagi's journal, and as such, the story will be seen through her point of view only. It takes place after Sailor Moon Stars. The Outer Senshi will not be included in this tale, and the Inner Senshi have all graduated from high school and moved on.

Disclaimer: Alright, people. I don't own Sailor Moon, nor do I own any of the characters contained herein. I am merely showing Naoko-san my appreciation. They say that imitation is the highest compliment one can receive.

Second of all, the fic is rated NC-17 for a reason, kiddies. There will be sex. There will be graphic details of sexual situations. If the idea of two young women becoming a couple physically and emotionally angers you, there are plenty of other stories for you to read. In other words, don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.

There will be violence that hits close to home for many people. Anyways, for any young'uns who actually got this far, stop reading this story. It's illegal, and why would you want to grow up mentally any faster than you have to? Relish your childhood!

Anyways, now that I have gone through all of that crap, on with the story.

SgAltima


	2. January 1st, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

Dear Diary

January 1st, 2000

My name is Tsukino Usagi. Ikuko gave me this beautiful velvet journal as a present to start off the 21st century. I've never been much into keeping a diary, but Ikuko said I would appreciate recording memories to cherish when I was older. Maybe she's right.

I'm 21 years old. My life is pretty normal now, but 5 years ago, I was Eternal Sailor Moon, the guardian of our galaxy. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days when my life was exciting, and sometimes I'm glad I lived to see the end of my duty. Even though it's not even the end... I know that sometime in the future, I'll become Queen of our planet with Mamoru-chan. I feel like my life is tied by the ribbons of destiny. Maybe it is.

I've decided that I'll do this once a week, maybe more. I don't know. It's something that will help me pass the time. It seems like time is all I have anymore. When the Starlights left the Earth 5 years ago, they left all of us all of the money they made as the Three Lights. No need to work ever again, and the days come and go. Sometimes I wish Seiya would come back and keep me company... but I know that won't happen.

Ikuko says that I should divulge all my secrets in here... At least I know that no one is around in my apartment to possibly see them, except Rei-chan. She's the one I'm afraid of most to see this.

I'm in love with her...

When Mamoru left for America to pursue his dreams, he tried to take me with him, but I couldn't bear to leave my friends and family. I can still remember the hurt on his face when I said no to him... How could I tell him that knowing what the future held for us made me dispassionate towards spending my life with him?

I spend every day riddled with guilt. Guilt towards Mamoru-san, who stayed faithful to me when I was immature and not ready to be the woman he deserved, guilt for my unborn daughter, who may never have a chance to be the vibrant little girl I can hardly remember anymore, and guilty for our world... What will happen in the future? Will I really be able to change my fate?

Rei is the only one who understands. We spend days upon days together, talking about various things. The Three Lights were especially gracious to her... the money they provided allowed her to hire on help to maintain her temple after her grandfather passed away.

We spend so much time together, and how I long for her to be the one who mends the chasm inside my broken heart. But she is engaged to Yuuichiro... the way her grandfather intended. She seems happy enough with him, who am I to come between them?

Last night, as ten minutes were left before the new millennium, I took my henshin brooch from its case. It brought tears to my eyes as I saw how dusty it was, despite my efforts to make sure it was protected. As soon as I touched it, I could feel the power from my ginzuishou radiating from it. As they counted down to the new year, I became Eternal Sailor Moon again for the first time in years.

It was strange. For 2 years now, I stopped styling my hair with odangos, but the moment I became Sailor Moon again, my hair went back to the odangos I remember. I think I'll start wearing my brooch again in public. It really is beautiful.

Mako-chan is having a party to celebrate tomorrow. I've wondered if I actually want to go. Mako-chan and Ami-chan moved in together a while back, and though Ami doesn't talk about it, I know they've become a couple. I am jealous of them... How am I supposed to look at them and not think about how much I wish Rei would hold me?

I refuse to believe that Mamoru was the only one I'll ever be able to be with. As much as I cared for him, and cared for Chibi-usa, I do not want to be the Queen of anything. I do not want to stand out anymore. I don't want to be responsible for the safety of our planet anymore.

I can't believe I've written this much. As I look over at my clock, I've been writing in this for over an hour now. I feel like I have so much more to say. But I should sleep... Does it even matter? My life has no purpose now. I don't have to work, I don't have to go to school.

This is the life I desired, one without obligations, yet it is so unsatisfying. I have nothing that I want. People all around the world know who Sailor Moon is, they've made both anime, and manga about my life, yet nobody really knows who I am except for my friends.

It's been about an hour and a half now since my last sentence. Minako-chan came to my door, and she brought me food from the neighborhood restaurant. I'm so thankful for her sometimes, I forgot to eat anything today. I wonder how she has any time to do anything for me, much less all the things that she does. She used the money she received from the Three Lights to become an idol herself. She's almost doubled the wealth she received from them in her music career.

I envy her sometimes. She seems so satisfied with her life. She's so busy, and she wouldn't have it any other way. I wonder what the world would think if they found out that the famous star, Aino Minako, was Sailor V once upon a time.

Aside from Rei, I spend a lot of time with her. She sees me around Rei, and I think she knows how I feel. The senshi of love... I suppose if anyone were to figure it out, it'd be her. If she does know, she doesn't say anything, and I am thankful.

Ikuko says that I should finish each entry by writing out what my heart most desires. She says that when I read this in the future, I'll be ready to make that desire into reality.

Diary, the things that my heart desires is my love.

The woman whose fiery passion and strength I long to feel burn for me.

Sailor Mars.

My best friend, Hino Rei-chan.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	3. January 7th, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened in this week. I found it funny how much I've looked forward to this time to write down all of my feelings. For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of peace as I finished my last entry.

I decided to go to the New Year's party that Mako-chan held. Everyone was there, all of my Sailor Senshi. I immediately noticed that Hotaru has grown up to become a lovely young woman. I remember so vividly when we fought to save her from the Death Busters… it pains me to see her look at me the way she does, like I've betrayed her. She hasn't stopped looking at me in that way for years… ever since Mamoru-san left. She's not stupid. She knows I've probably doomed her best friend to never be born. But there's still hope, I think. I mean… I still remember her. Wouldn't I forget her completely if there was no chance left?

Chibi-Usa… my little Usagi. I hope I never live to forget her. Her pink, bushy odangos, fiery temper… So much like me at that age. 

Chibi-Usa, I love you with all my heart. You'll always be a part of me, no matter what the future holds.

Haruka-san and Michiru-san were there. They are still as close as they ever were, even after all these years. I make it seem like such a long period of time, but it certainly seems that way. I envy them. Our souls are destined to live eternally, and theirs will be intertwined for the remainder of time. Their love is stronger than anything I have ever known… Flirtatious as ever, Haruka asked me to dance to a slow song with her, eventually. She was stunned when I accepted, and I wonder if she could feel that while I danced with her, I was fantasizing about being next to Rei, to feel her arms around my waist, holding me to her. To feel her breasts press against my chest.

I can see it even now as I write. I can wrap my arms around her neck and just let her take me, make my body hers. Feeling her hands caress all of my intimate places in just the right way.

Oh well. The wishes of this world are as numerous as the stars out tonight, and my dream of Rei is probably insignificant compared to the beautiful dreams of every one around me. I just wish it wouldn't consume me so.

Minako-chan was actually able to make it to the party, and I was thankful for her company. Sometimes she is as bubbly as she ever was, but she has come to develop a serious side, and I'm glad she was there for me that night.

I was standing alone on Makoto's balcony when she silently came up behind me with a plate of food. After giving her a quick hug, I told her I hadn't realized how hungry I was, and that I'd be back. But she had gotten the food for me… She is really too attentive of me, and I told her so, but she merely replied that someone had to make sure that was taken care of.

We turned away from the rooftops of the city to the scene inside. Rei was inside, talking and laughing with Makoto. We stood there silently for a few minutes before Minako commented that Rei-chan was especially beautiful that night. I knew then that Minako knew my secret.

I begged her not to tell, and she just smiled in that way that she does. I can trust that she won't tell anybody what she knows, but sadly, I can also trust that she'll try to set us up or something. Part of my heart leaps at the thought, but the other doesn't want my friendship with my Rei damaged. My Rei… what a lovely thought.

Everyone left after a while except for Rei and I, and we sat in the living room with Mako-chan and Ami-chan and just talked. That was nice… especially since those two were sitting together, it gave me a chance to sit next to Rei. But eventually, even Rei made ready to leave. I hugged her before she walked out of the door, and then ran to the balcony to watch her drive into the distance.

I asked Ami if it would be okay if I spent the night. She looked at Mako-chan, who just walked into her bedroom without even a word! Ami took me into her bedroom, and showed me where everything was, and said that she'd sleep on Makoto's couch. I thanked her and laid between her sheets for a while.

They were arguing about something that night. But eventually, the raised voices faded away and I had only the sounds of the night to accompany me in my solace. And then I heard Ami's voice, and I knew what was happening.

I was so angry, but not for the fact that they were doing it. I seethed because it forced visions of Yuuichiro with my Rei into my mind, and I couldn't let them go. I walked out to their balcony for some air. I was able to clear my head, and when I walked back inside, the sounds of their lovemaking had disappeared.

I don't know what possessed me, but I walked up to their door and opened it to see the blankets from the bed strewn about the floor, and Ami lying naked against Makoto. Have I become so insane that I would disturb the privacy of my closest friends?? Yet as I looked at them, I could see myself there, with Rei…

Lying against her chest… Falling to sleep accompanied by the rhythm of her heart that would beat only for me. Damn you, Yuuichiro…

I went shopping with Minako a few days ago, and the subject always fell back to Rei. I wonder if Minako knows something that I do not, because she kept asking me really stupid questions, like whether I had expressed my feelings to Rei and whether I knew how she felt about girls and about me.

Is there a possibility? Has Rei said something to Minako about me?? Is there even a chance?

I'm tired of wondering. Sometimes I think I should go up to Rei and bare my heart to her, for better or worse, but then I know that it's so hard to live without her love right now… I would die if she wouldn't even be my friend. Maybe sometimes it's true that a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing. Ikuko says that to me every now and then.

I dreamed about Rei last night, and I want to write it down so that I never ever forget it.

My dream started with me leaving the house I grew up in and running the entire way to the Hikawa Jinja through the pouring rain. I took off my raincoat before I slid open her bedroom door and closed it behind me. I went into her bathroom and all of my personal things were there! I used my brush and a towel to dry out all of my hair, and then used my favorite perfume on my neck and between my breasts.

I walked out of the bathroom, and there was my Rei. She was so beautiful in her sleep, and I was overcome by the desire to make love to her. I pulled her blanket back slowly to her waist and saw that she was wearing a pair of pajamas that buttoned down the front. My fingers seemed to move so slowly from button to button as I unfastened the shirt that kept my beautiful Rei-chan's body hidden from me. Finally, I got the last one undone and slowly opened the front of her pajamas… I can even remember licking my lips in anticipation. I stared at her gorgeous form reverently for a few minutes, taking in every single one of her delicious curves.

I lowered my mouth to her breast, and when I felt her nipple harden against my tongue, chills ran down my entire body. Then I felt her fingers wrap themselves in my hair. I looked up into her eyes that were watching me, my mouth stopping. And then she said to me, "I love you, Usa. Don't stop.". I cried out for joy as I felt her hands guide my head to her other breast. We made love for what seemed to be hours…

It was wonderful.

For her passionate fire to sear it's love over my soul… that is my heart's desire.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	4. January 14th, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Another week has gone by in my life, and it seemed to go by so quickly. Ever since Minako revealed that she knows the way I feel about Rei, I wonder if I have been too obvious. I know that Rei has a sense for things... I'm so afraid of jeopardizing our friendship.

Even Ami knows!! I frown when I think about that. If Ami knows, then Makoto has to know. Could Rei be that oblivious? Have I made a complete fool of myself in staring at Rei's body?? Have I said something??

Ami came to my house one day with a basket filled with Makoto's homemade muffins and some milk. I remember thinking that Ami was just who I didn't need to see. I felt like she was flaunting her relationship with Makoto, and then after she told me that she had observed me staring at Rei all the time and the way I act around her, I REALLY felt like she was showing off because she had Makoto.

I feel so horrible, though. Ami has become even less talkative than when we were in school, and she came over with some simple advice. She told me that when she first revealed to Makoto how she felt (which I can't imagine, Ami initiating ANYTHING), that she couldn't find the words to say it because she was so afraid Makoto would spurn her.

I could only sit and watch as Ami told me, her face very red, that she used her computer to predict the next thunderstorm that would hit, and how thunderstorms were always attracted near where Makoto was because of her power, and waited until that night to be frightened by the thunderstorm and run into Makoto's room.

At this point, Ami was looking off into space as she told me these things, obviously envisioning how it happened. She told me that she asked to sleep in the same bed because she was afraid. And Ami seduced her! Ami-chan! I couldn't see her even looking at another girl that way, much less seducing them!

I asked her what they did together, but she wouldn't tell me. I guess some things will always stay the same. She left the basket of muffins on the table and told me she was leaving. She got up from her seat on my couch and walked over to me. I got up to walk her to the door, and before she walked out, she turned around and hugged me, whispering in my ear for me to do my best. It was funny how she didn't even have to say to me that she knew of my feelings for Rei for her to let me know she knew.

I had lunch with Ikuko this week. We talked about the same things as we usually do when suddenly out of nowhere, she told me that the house seemed awfully empty with Shingo having gone off to school and with me living on my own.

"When are you getting married, Usagi?", she asked me. "Kenji might not admit it, but we'd love to see grandchildren. I still want to see you get married."

I mentally made a note of what great timing my mother has when it comes to certain things. I was completely unprepared to tell her anything... she doesn't even know that I'm no longer Mamoru's girlfriend. How would she react to the news that her daughter is in love with a woman? My father would kill me, I think...

Somehow, I managed to evade the question long enough for her to focus back on how I don't seem to be eating enough. The kami must smile upon me, I think. We arrived back to my place after having lunch. I wanted to pick something up before I took her home, but she came into my apartment and started snooping around like she usually does.

Ikuko walked over to the window that overlooked the TV Tower, not even turning to face me when she tells me that she wonders about me all the time in a place like this, living all alone, and wouldn't I be happy at home??

I was shocked. I told her that I liked having my own space, and that's when I realized that she had prepared herself for this. She told me that Kenji had Shingo take everything that he wanted to keep out of his room so that they could turn the upstairs into an apartment for me.

I was reeling, fishing around in my brain for any sort of excuse I could utilize against this sneak attack. Suddenly, I blurted out that it probably wouldn't be a good idea because since Minako kept such a crazy schedule, my friends would be in and out of the house at all hours.

I smiled inside at that idea, because I remember quite well how that front door squeaks. Ikuko nodded for a moment before she looked at me and kept talking.

"Usagi, we can build a stairway to the second floor in the backyard along with a door. Kenji and I miss having an active household, and we're too old to have more children."

She looked away from me as she kept talking. "We were hoping you'd be married by now, and you'd have babies that you'd bring over."

I could tell from the tone of her voice that she had been bothered by this for a long time. I had thought of something to say, but I ended up blurting out how I was in love with Rei. I silently cursed many times as Ikuko stared at me.

I remember starting to babble... "Mama, please... I'm so sorry.", and other such statements. The last thing I wanted to think about was that she and Kenji would be upset and ashamed of me.

She came up to me and hugged me more tightly than she had in a very long time. I cried into her shoulder, because Rei was like family to us, and she knew that Rei was engaged to Yuuichiro. How I hate that name now...

She smiled at me, and my heart fell as I saw that it was forced onto her face. She told me that she needed to think about things, and as though reading my mind, told me that it was my duty to tell Kenji of my decision, not hers.

I sank back against the couch as she walked down the street that would lead to a 20 minute walk home for her. She wouldn't even let me take her home. If she does forgive me, I wonder if she'll ever not be ashamed.

Minako wants to take us all camping this weekend. Just us five girls, she says. She laughed when I told her that I didn't have any camping gear, and winked at me while telling me that Rei's tent held two and she would have a tent for Makoto and Ami and one for her.

Minako is planning a campout, and Ami shows up unexpectedly to tell me the history of herself and Makoto. I wonder if they are trying to set me up. My heart beats so fast when I think of sleeping in the same tent as Rei.

My heart's desire is that I would have the courage to tell Rei... finally... how I feel when we are alone this weekend.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	5. January 21st, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dearest Diary!!

My heart flies right now on wings of love. I can't remember any other time that I have ever been so happy, even when I was with Mamoru-san. I am sitting underneath my sleeping bag in Rei's tent on Minako's trip right now, and Rei and I have spent the most wonderful day together.

But I promised myself I would keep writing in this, because right now, I don't even want to take a chance of forgetting one single thing. For the first time, I can look beside me and see the love of my heart sleeping peacefully next to me. Life is truly wonderful.

Sadly enough, I have more of Minako's effort to thank for this than of my own. I wasn't even planning on going... I was excited last week, but two days ago when we were planning on leaving, I didn't think I could go through with it, and so I decided not to show up.

But that Minako!! She actually came over to my house to pick me up and DRAG me there. She told me that she wanted to drive me because I wouldn't have a chance to not go, and more important, no chance of running away once I was out there. Minako thinks of everything, I think.

It was great during the first day. We went rock climbing! I've never done anything like that before, but I felt safe about it because Minako had hired someone to take us, and bought a whole bunch of ropes and stuff to keep us tied to the mountain. Wow, I don't think I've done anything so physical in my life!! Even all the fighting I did as Sailor Moon.

But then as the sun was setting, it seemed like the courage I spent all day gathering so that I could bare my heart to Rei was slipping away, just like the remaining daylight. As we walked back to where all of our camping stuff was waiting for us, Minako slowed to where I was walking behind the group and told everyone else to walk ahead.

My heart was pounding as we stood silently for a moment. Then she just simply said that there was extra space inside her tent, hugged me, and ran off to catch up with the rest of the girls. I stood there for a moment.

Minako had offered me the ultimate way out. But I didn't make any decisions there, I knew that I would know which way I would go when I got back. Until then, I kept trying to gather all the courage I could.

When I got back, Rei was standing by her car, using that familiar brush I knew all too well. That's when I knew I had to try. She looked so incredible there, tossing that long hair I've dreamed of running my fingers through.

I told myself mentally that I had walked away from the worst that Evil had to offer and that surely I could find the courage to tell my beloved fire princess how I felt. I walked up to her and grabbed the brush from her hands and climbed inside her tent. Naturally, she followed me to get her brush back.

I was sitting inside her tent when she burst in. She angrily held out her hand and demanded her brush back. I quietly asked her to sit down... I couldn't even look at her, I was so nervous! She stood there for a moment, and I couldn't even look at her!! I wrote that again, didn't I?

I closed my eyes and pleaded with the Silver Crystal for strength, because my own was faltering quickly. I could feel its warmth against my chest, and I was able to sit there. Suddenly, Rei sat down with her back to me, knowing what I wanted to do! She backed up against me, and I sat there for what seemed like eternity, just brushing her beautiful hair. It really does shine.

I put her brush down quietly and began just running my fingers through her hair. It was such a heavenly sensation. She leaned back farther against me, and sighed. I love the sound of her voice. It was that moment that I would try what Ami suggested to me.

I moved her flowing hair to the side, exposing her neck to me, and I said a small prayer as I lowered my lips to her neck, kissing the soft skin I have dreamed of for years now. I could feel her body tense against me, and I hurriedly wrapped my arms around her chest, cupping her breasts as I held her close.

I whispered to her that I loved her and kissed her ears. It felt like my heart stopped beating when I felt her relax and place her hands over my own. I felt like crying out for joy, but I didn't want to do anything that might even have a chance of ruining our moment together.

She took my hands and pulled them away as she turned around and pushed me down. I trembled as she was kneeling between my legs, just looking at me. She laid down on me and took my face in her hands, kissing me passionately. And it was at that moment that nothing else in this world mattered except for her. My fire princess.

And then she was lifting my shirt... I was so happy that I didn't wear my bra that day. She lowered her lips to my belly and began kissing me. Before long, everyone's lamp was off, and I was with my Rei in the darkness, exploring each other. All my dreams were realized that night as our souls bonded...

I look at her again as I'm writing, and her eyes are open, looking at me. She smiles at me, and my body radiates warmth all over. I know there's no place I'd rather be. She's beckoning for me, caressing my back with those hands... the only hands I ever want to touch me and to know me.

My heart's desire is to feel those hands caressing me for all eternity.

I love you with my entire being, Hino Rei... my fire princess.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	6. January 28th, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Author's Note: If you have not read my review yet, feel free.

Dear Diary is FAR from being over. *smiling evilly*

~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

This has been the longest and hardest week I've dealt with yet. I finally relented and agreed to move back into the apartment that my parents made for me on the second floor of my childhood home, Minako is over in Hong Kong doing autograph signings for her new album, "Love and Beauty Shock", Makoto and Ami flew to America to spend a week in Hawaii, and I haven't seen Rei since our camping trip...

Not to mention the fact that Mamoru is back in Japan.

Ikuko hasn't said anything about my outburst at all... She just acts like everything is the way it has always been. That bothers me the most. Sometimes, I wish she would just be angry with me, but be open about it! Instead, I get to always wonder what she is thinking. My father obviously doesn't know. Thank the kami...

I went upstairs into my old bedroom for the first time in years... I moved out on my own when I was 17, and the last time I had been in there was on my 19th birthday... Mama has kept it neat and free of dust. Everything is just as I remember it.

Luna and Artemis were waiting for me when I walked in. She stays with Minako now that her duty to me is complete. I don't see her all that much anymore, which troubles me. I always thought that we were really close, but after I fought with Galaxia-sama, she just asked me to take all her things to Minako's. I never did ask why. Maybe I should have.

I flopped down on my bed, still dressed with my favorite blanket. Memories of times spent in this house flooded me like a river. I look at the mirror that has stood there ever since I first became Sailor Moon. It's been a long time since then.

Shingo got his friends to take notes for him in all his classes for two days because Ikuko told him to help me move my belongings. He doesn't seem all that upset that our parents moved his bed and dresser and other belongings into the garage. I didn't think he ever intended on coming back anyways.

But finally, it is done. I turned his room into my living room, and Chibi-usa's old room in the attic can hold my things until I decide where to put them. Papa already built the door that will lead out behind the house when the stairs are built. Maybe I can sneak Rei in that way.

Oh Rei... where are you?? I've made so many trips to your temple in this last week, trying to find you, but everyone always says the same thing... They haven't seen you, either.

Was I so wrong to make love to you? How could something that felt so right make my heart ache like it does? In such a brief moment, I bonded my life to you, and now I need you like I need air. I feel like I'm suffocating without you near me.

I love you so much. I think I've cried tears for every minute for four years that I've loved you. Won't you call me? Won't you come to see me? I even left a note in my old empty apartment should you come there. I need you in my life, Sailor Mars. You make me feel strong. You complete me. After leaping headfirst into this chasm of Destiny that would swallow our love, I cannot resist Fate alone without you.

I remember every single caress of your hands on my body... They burn with your fire that you alone have the power to soothe. My lips are useless unless they are bringing pleasure to you. Everything I eat tastes like paper because the taste of your lips and sweet skin has spoiled me forever.

A eternal warrior fighting against destiny, I cannot bear to exist forever without you by my side. I would fight and die endlessly, over and over again, against every enemy that would separate us... just to feel the serenity and joy that comes from your arms around me.

Oh, my sweet Rei, are you running from me? Do you run from our love? Are you afraid, my fire princess? You, who tame and command the destructive force of nature? Have you found one enemy you cannot defeat? Let's fight it together, my love!! There is nothing we cannot accomplish when our souls join as one...

I just wish I knew where you were. I have no doubts that you are okay, for my heart can feel the beating of your own. The rhythm of your body is the music of my life. Come home to me, Rei. Let me be everything to you. You sacrificed your life for me so many times, let me repay you with my own... Yours to do with as you please, for all of eternity.

Mamoru is here, my Rei, and I know his intentions. Would you let him take me away from you? I can feel his heart as well, for our bond has not broken. I curse it with all that I am. I will not betray the longing of my soul to be with you. The desire to be by your side, yet I know he will hold sway over me.

It was so hard for me to say no to him the first time. I need you here with me to resist his temptation with the fiery bond of our love!! I long for no one else to know my body, my heart, and my soul like I have let you see.

Please, my love. Come back to me. Make me whole once again, and both our hearts can soar on wings of love.

My heart's desire is to fly with you forever, my fire princess.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	7. February 4th, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's been two weeks since I've seen Rei, and I think I've cried harder in these last two weeks than I ever have in my life combined. Now I just sit in my bed with my blanket gathered around me. I wonder if I have any tears left to cry.

I was so worried about her that the week after my last entry, I finally bit the bullet and got in touch with Yuuichiro, my opponent for her heart. He hasn't seen her, either! But she told him that she was leaving for a while and not to worry about her. That foolish girl... she wouldn't even tell me she was leaving.

Minako came back to find my apartment empty, and I guessed she rushed over to my house to find me in my bed, drowning in my own sorrow. She just held me for the longest time... It was so nice, but even as she held me, I despaired for her arms to belong to the one I love.

Diary, I shall hide my feelings for her from now on, I think... I haven't decided yet, but if destiny will fight me this unfairly, I don't want to live my life in pain. Mamoru has come to see me... he didn't even try to take me back. He took me out to lunch and we just talked. But I can still feel the desire in his heart.

I will not encourage him... but I do not want to be alone. I feel like I've shouldered so many burdens over the years for so many people, most of whom I will never even meet. I do not want to be alone anymore. Mamoru has come back for good this time. He told me that he was offered a job at the local TV news as a reporter. I would have never imagined... He seems happy enough.

Minako has stayed with me since the day she came back. She, Luna, and Artemis try so hard to keep me occupied so I don't think of Rei. They are wonderful to me, but it doesn't really help other than give me a chance to refresh my supply of tears. I refuse to cry in public. I'm stronger than that now.

Too bad that I'm not strong enough to keep my heart from breaking every time I think of how I poured it out to Rei in our night of lovemaking. I thought I could feel her heart, feel it bursting for me the same way mine overflowed with emotion for her. Could I have been so wrong??

My heart refuses to listen, but my mind has started to wonder if she just used me. Maybe she does love Yuuichiro more than me. Did she just do it out of obligation? If so, I would rip out my heart and throw it into her fire. It would be the same as how my soul burns and aches without her near me.

The future is bleak.

The funniest thing happened to me this week. Haruka and Michiru showed up at the front door to this house and spent the day with me. It must have been Minako's doing. It appeared as though she didn't reveal the exact ail that troubled me, though. Thank the kami...

It was a wonderful day, and I almost forgot that my world is crumbling to pieces around me. Almost... They took me over to their house to have dinner, and pictures of them together were everywhere. Dinner was wonderful, and I found out that Makoto has been teaching Michiru the finer arts of making delicious food. Haruka is a lucky woman. Michiru seems to love nothing more than to make different dishes for Haruka to try.

Maybe I'll ask Makoto to spend time to teach me how to cook.

Last night, Minako and I laid awake in the dark and talked about different things. After a while, there was a silence between us. I finally asked her the question I've been wondering about for some time, whether she thinks she'll ever have someone special to spend her life with.

Minako surprises me all the time. She told me that she didn't believe she'd ever have anyone like that in her life, but that it was okay because she had me and our group of friends to spend her life with. She looked at me, smiling, and told me that she loved me and the others, and was content with that. She's become even more beautiful than she was when we were younger, both inside and out.

Then she asked me what I was doing with my life. I told her that she should know, because she is around me more than anyone. She looked at me and told me that eternity was a long time to spend, unsure of where your place was. I didn't know what to say... Finally I told her that my place was to be the guardian of our planet. She laughed quietly, telling me that doing so was her duty as well, but she didn't foresee having to cancel any concerts to go fight a monster any time in the future.

She told me that Mamoru still loves me. As if I didn't know that! I know that if I don't become Queen, the Dark Moon family won't escape to Nemesis and won't come back to try and destroy us. I believe in my heart that all I will do is use my ginzuishou to revive this world and hopefully, the ginzuishou will take my life again in doing so.

I don't say these things to Minako, but I think she knows. I really couldn't ask for a truer friend. We think on the same wavelength. Of course, all my friends are true to me, and I feel the same to them, but Minako and I can talk about things I would otherwise keep to myself. That's what I need right now, and I think she knows that as well.

Rei, I love you and despise you at the same time for the way you make me feel.

If you care for me as much as you have said in the past, won't you come ease the pain of the heart that trembles inside me? Won't you at least tell me that you don't love me like that? I think of you constantly.

My heart's desire is clouded... Conflicting emotions tear me apart inside.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	8. February 11th, 2000

Author's Note:

Muahahaha!! *smiling enigmatically*

Far be it from Hino Rei-san to use Usagi for pleasure... or is it...

Find out now as...

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I wanted to write a short little entry before Minako and I leave. She's decided that the only way for me to snap out of my "funk", as she calls it, is to go on an ultra-fabulous cruise for three weeks. She bought fare for us on a new cruise liner, the Emerald Dolphin. It's supposed to have the best of everything available today on cruise ships. Minako converted ten thousand American dollars for us so that we could go shopping endlessly on the boat. And she says she's still bringing her credit cards. In some ways, Minako has never really changed all that much, but it doesn't matter. She made me smile.

Rei still hasn't called me or anything. But I know she's alive. I can feel it in my heart. A heart that is turning bitter towards her. I'm ashamed of what I've done. Oh well, Mamoru says that there is a lesson to be had in everything. Minako wanted him to come along with us on the trip. Thankfully, he declined. I confessed to him everything that had happened, and he has been surprisingly understanding. I feel like we are friends for the first time instead of just together by the ties of Fate.

Anyhow, the ship sails in 12 hours, but Minako has to arrive early so that she is not mobbed by her chasers. Anyways, I'll probably write again once I'm aboard the Dolphin.

I'm aboard the Emerald Dolphin and we are cruising out towards the sea. But my heart is back in Japan, and I cannot help but to cry endlessly yet again. Makoto and Ami came to see us off, and as the ship began to slowly move out of the harbor, I saw my love run into the pier. She looked right at me, and pierced my cold, dead heart with the light in her eyes I've cherished for so many years. She turned and walked away just as quickly, and I could not even stand. Minako had to help me back to our suite... I asked her if I could be alone for a while, and she allowed me that... but I know she will try her hardest to make me have a good time. Maybe this is what I need.

Maybe I need to banish Hino Rei from my heart. That is what I will do. This trip will be a liberation from my former self into the new Usagi I will create for myself.

Minako has come for me. I'll write more later tonight.

I'm back, Diary. It's been almost a day since I left with Minako. She's so popular, and everyone on the cruise knows her. I've become popular just because I'm her friend. I feel scandalous, Diary!! I used that popularity to my advantage, and seduced... well... not like it's particularly hard to seduce a young man.

I feel so awful. He was so kind and gentle to me, the way any girl would cherish from a man, and I feel violated. I feel like I have betrayed my heart. It was pleasurable, but now I feel more empty inside than ever. 

Why did Rei have to show up at the docks, Diary? Just as I felt my heart could finally start to heal, she comes and burns the wounds of my soul with her fire.

I'm too tired to write anymore. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

My heart's desire is to die.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	9. February 18th, 2000

SgAltima Presents

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Why does life have to be so confusing? I think I could have had so much fun on this trip if Rei hadn't have shown herself at the docks. Oh Rei... I keep remember the joy of feeling your hands on me, touching me... I've tried to forget, but my heart won't let me.

Minako says that the ship is heading back for Japan as we speak. I hope so. I'm going to find you, Rei, and I'm going to make you explain yourself to me. Until then, I wonder what I will say when I see her. Will I be able to say anything? When I think about her, so many conflicting feelings flood over me.

Speaking of conflicting feelings, I think Minako is coming on to me... It's just something in the way she looks at me sometimes. She put me up on stage during one of her concerts and made me play the keyboard during a couple of her songs. That's okay... I took lessons on how to play the piano shortly after she made her break because I loved her songs. I play them when I'm alone sometimes, and I even sing to them at times.

But I'm confused about what I'm feeling from her. She and I have been sleeping in the same room, even in the same bed while we've been on this trip, and she puts her arms around me after she falls asleep. Maybe she's not really asleep when she does it... I don't know. It feels weird because I love Minako like my sister. Am I reading too much into her actions?

It doesn't change the fact that she makes me feel strange. I have to admit that I've harbored thoughts of trying for my best friend because it feels like Rei used me. Minako's arms around me at night excites me... I am almost ashamed, but I've wanted to take her hands and place them on my breasts and cuddle closer to her.

I don't even know why I should feel strange about this! If Minako wants me, why should I feel bad in considering whether to give her what she wants?? Rei obviously doesn't want me other than for just for her own pleasure! I know of the curse placed on Minako, and I've cried for her so many times.

But I still want Rei to want me for more than just sex. As long as I want that, I would be lying to Minako. She doesn't deserve that. I mean, I feel like Rei is doing the same thing to me, so I would never put Minako through that.

Minako just looked up and asked me what I was writing. I could feel the heat in my cheeks flare up as she looked at me, and I'm sitting here contemplating putting my diary down and attempting to put the moves on her. Then she got up and tried to peek inside!! I wonder if she saw anything... I hope not.

Then she told me she was going to sleep and hoped I would too. She leaned towards me and tried to kiss me on the cheek, but I moved my face and her lips met mine. Her eyes flew open and I closed my eyes and turned away. I couldn't even look at her as she laid down with her back to me.

I just heard her. She's asking me to come to bed with her.

My heart's desire is to relieve the confusion that plagues me.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	10. February 25th, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Minako made love to me.

Again... and again... and again.

And now I'm back at home. This past week has been so filled with things, and I don't even know where to start. When Ikuko first gave me this journal, I told her that my life was so boring, I wouldn't know what to write. I was wrong. I don't know what NOT to write.

Yes... Minako and I made love. Almost every night since my last entry, we've been together in my bed. She and I have talked about it, too. It's so strange in a way. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and reach out for her, and the surprise is that she is actually there. In some ways, I think that I'm dreaming, and that none of this is happening. She fills the void in my heart where Rei left me feeling empty.

She hasn't told me she loves me, and I am grateful. I don't know if I could look at her and give her an honest answer... How hard is it to know you don't want to lie to someone, but you're afraid to tell them the truth as well. I do love her, just not like that. Maybe not yet. She was very kind and gentle with me. She and I also have a lot of common interests now in our music... we could be very compatible.

I am selfish, Diary. I love the way she makes me feel. I crave her selfless attention to my pleasure, and how she is so slow, but insistent in exploring me. It's not that I don't return the favor, and not that I don't like doing it, but I so look forward to having her tongue tease my private area. She is so good at it... I wonder if I am her first girl. I suppose it really doesn't matter.

She is very cute when she sleeps. I can't help but smile as I think of our nights together. She asks me to hold her! She fits her body perfectly against mine every time, and then makes the cutest sound every time, and falls asleep immediately... every time! I've come to look forward to it, actually. I feel wanted... needed...

All of those things that I want from Rei.

I want her to need me, to want me... I want her to ask those things of me, but I know that she will not. Rei does not need to feel protected. She would probably be the dominant one in our relationship. She is so strong...

There I go again! I frown thinking of how completely wrapped up I am in her. Anyways...

I went to see Rei at her temple the day we got back. She was actually there this time, and told me she had been waiting for me to arrive. I wonder about that...

She and I talked for a very long time, and I couldn't hardly look up at her for nearly the entire time. She told me that she had been confused... that I had caught her off-guard during a time when she and Yuuichiro were experiencing stress in planning their marriage. I told her plainly that she wouldn't have done it if she didn't want it, and then she said something that caught ME off-guard.

She told me that I had no room to come down on her, because she had loved me for years while she was forced to stand by as Mamoru and I fawned over each other. That I had no right to come between her happiness with Yuuichiro just because I "just right now" decided that I didn't want Crystal Tokyo in my future.

I screamed at her that Yuuichiro could have her. Rei just stared at me as I accused her of using me to get what she had lusted after for so long so she could marry Yuuichiro with no regrets. And she slapped me...

Not only did she slap me... but Ami and Makoto walked in just as she did it. Ami ran over to my defense, but Makoto told her to stay out of business that she wasn't involved in. Ami didn't even say anything back and she walked me out of the temple, a tearful mess. Now Makoto and Ami are fighting... Rei and I are fighting... I have had enough of this. Everyone is taking sides.

Although I can't believe Makoto would side with Rei over this. But then Ami told me everything. That Makoto knew what was happening from the start, that Rei and I had slept together, that Rei was going to take a journey to "purge" me from her heart, and that Makoto invited Rei to the pier when Rei confessed that she rid herself of her love for me.

Damn you, Mako-chan... You have made this so much worse than it had to be.

Father finally finished the stairway that leads up to my apartment, and so I let Ami and myself in quietly, trying to avoid them until later. Ami came with me into my room, and the door to my bathroom was open with the shower running. When Ami looked at me with that questioning look she has, I simply told her that Minako hadn't gone home yet.

And then she smiled at me and asked me if I was considering replacing Rei with Minako. She sat down on my bed, and I joined her. Minako started to sing one of her songs off of her debut album, "Love Chain". Ami smiled and stifled a laugh. I looked at Ami, and confessed everything that happened. Ami just nodded as I spilled my guts and then looked at her watch.

I was puzzled until she pointed at the bathroom where Minako had been showering for at LEAST 30 minutes. I laughed quietly, and Ami got up and grabbed her purse on her way to the door. She said to me that she would support me in whatever I chose, whatever the situation... all this before she turned and smiled, saying that Minako was probably lonely.

I don't know how Ami ever came out of her shyness... I can't ever imagine a time before now when she would ever say anything like that to ANYBODY. But she was right, though.

I went into my bedroom and locked the door. I heard the water shut off as I began to shed my clothing. I closed the shades and laid down on my bed as Minako opened the door to the bathroom, equally naked. She truly is beautiful... I can remember every curve of her, framed in the light of the bathroom. She really is the spirit of the goddess of love.

She came over to me and got down on her knees, starting to kiss and touch me. It was heavenly. She's learned so quickly every vulnerable spot on my body, those little areas that make me quiver and my hormones race.

I was expecting a long, slow lovemaking, but I was so wrong... Minako made me sit on my butt and lifted one of my legs. I gasped as she slid her right leg under my left, and wrapped her left leg over my right and around my waist. She began to grind herself against me so slowly, teasing me... I thought I would die.

She pushed me down on my back and continued to rub her labia against mine. I cried out loudly as I felt my orgasm rip through me mercilessly, and I could feel my inner fluids spilling out and coating her crotch and my bedsheets. And then she came on me, lifting me back into a sitting position and wrapping her arms around me as her body convulsed.

She slowed and started to release me, but Diary, I wasn't done! I so nearly wasn't done... I slid my left hand down between her legs and slipped my thumb inside of her, and then held her to me with my other arm. She was sensitive after she came, and I remember such a feeling of power as she cried out my name. Like I owned her, she was all mine to do with as I pleased... it was almost scary.

And then Ikuko knocked on the bedroom door!

I was so upset!! I got up and quickly wrapped a robe around me and opened the door a tiny crack. She told me she heard a scream and was wondering if I was okay. I told her that I was just fine and thank you for checking, but then she started to push on the door.

She asked me if I was sure, and if she could make sure everything was alright. Minako had long since covered up and hidden in the bathroom, but I wasn't going to let my mother in. The room smelled of what Minako and I had been doing.

I told her everything was fine and that I was going to bed. And then I just shut the door! I sure have changed a lot myself... It felt good to just tell her no for once.

I walked over to the bathroom, my robe hanging slightly open. I laughed as I saw Minako hiding behind the shower curtain. She smiled sheepishly as I extended my arm... and this time, I told her to come to bed with me. 

My heart's desire is just to be happy. Maybe I can have that with Minako.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	11. March 2nd, 2000

Author's Note:

Alright, I'm very upset.

Does FanFiction.Net really expect to get rid of lemon stories that younger people have access to by simply removing the NC-17 option for rating, and giving all the authors one month to download their work? (Not to mention the download links don't even work. Talk about the irony) There are ways to verify age, hell... Every reputable (*laughing* at the thought of a reputable adult web site) adult web site has easy ways to create non-paying accounts with verification of the user's age.

Sadly enough, I'm not as angry for myself as I am for authors like Kirika, who have a month to archive 50+ chapters of work, but in the end, Kirika has over 650 reviews that she will lose. Talk about crap. I'm thoroughly pissed over having lost the 20 or so reviews of mine for Dear Diary. I can't even imagine.

Anyways, on with the story.

~~~~~~~~~~

What is this? Usagi and Minako??

The Inner Senshi takes sides against each other??

Rei used Usagi for pleasure??

What can it all mean?? Find out in this latest installment, when...

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Minako asked me yesterday if she could stay here with me. I laughed at her and told her that she was usually over at my place more than at her own anyhow. So Minako is going to move in with me. I have decided that I'm going to choose Minako over Rei. Ever since the incident at the temple, I've found it easier and easier as every moment passes to purge her from my heart.

I've decided that she did use me... just so she wouldn't have any regrets before marrying Yuuichiro. And that is fine, because I have someone who loves me, and wants me. And Minako even realizes that I haven't fallen in love with her yet. And she's okay with that. But the way I feel when I see her, I don't think she will have to wait long.

She also asked me if I had ever thought about putting my hair back into the odango pigtails I had years back. I laughed and pushed her down on my bed and straddled her waist, asking if she would like that. She grinned sheepishly and nodded. Maybe I will do it for her sometime. After a week of almost doing nothing but sleeping together, Minako told me she wanted to just spend time with me. I feel really good about that. That tells me that she wants more than just sex.

So every night this week, we've been going out and doing all sorts of fun stuff. I mean, we have to be selective about what we do because Minako still is an idol and very recognizable. Even though we were careful, her fans mobbed us almost every night. Some of them even asked ME for an autographed picture! Me! Usagi! How unbelievable is that?

So Minako took me to her studio and had her photographer do some glamour shots of me, and they turned out really good! She made like 150 copies of 3 of the pictures, and made me sign each one. I couldn't stop laughing.

So now I have lots of autographed pictures to give out to her friends. Maybe I could be the next big thing. Usagi. Somehow it just sound as good as Minako. Oh well, I'll be the leader of her fan club. And I don't even have to chase her. She comes home to me. It doesn't get much better than that, I suppose.

My parents made dinner for the family tonight because Shingo is home for break. It's an important occasion. Not because Shingo came to visit, but because I realized that I really need get a lock and key for my apartment. Ikuko walked in on Minako and I watching TV and cuddling. That was somewhat embarrassing, even more so now because Mother probably wonders what happened between Rei and I.

Anyways, the conversation at dinner was very animated because Minako ate with us. Shingo told everyone that almost all of the girls and half of the guys in his dormitory have posters of Minako up on their walls, and they didn't believe that his sister was best friends with a pop idol. It's weird to me. I just started a relationship with the biggest star in pop music.

Anyhow, Ikuko took a picture of Shingo standing between Minako and I so he could show all his friends at university. Lucky brother of mine. He gets to have a priceless photo of the most beautiful girl in the world... and Minako.

I can't help but laugh at that. Anyways, Minako is laying next to me as I write this, staring up at me. She's kind of distracting, laying next to me... so incredibly beautiful and sexy. But I told her that we couldn't do anything tonight, because Shingo is sleeping in his old room. Minako is... well... rather loud sometimes.

I suppose that I can't avoid this forever. Rei came to see me today...

Still whenever I look at her, I can't help but to love her and hate her at the same time. Maybe it won't be like this forever, but it will probably be like this for now because as Rei and I were sitting in the attic and talking, Minako came up wrapped in only a towel. Needless to say, Rei absolutely freaked out. She called me names I won't even repeat as she started to storm out of my apartment. I felt really bad for Minako, who was in the shower when Rei arrived.

But I don't feel sorry for Rei. She had her chance, and she blew it by being selfish. I told her to go home to her husband, and to leave my heart alone. And then I shut the door in her face.

I feel bad about that, but I'm proud of myself at the same time. I've always been so observant of everyone else and their feelings for so long. It's nice to be able to just concern myself with just me. The way that *I* feel... all the things that are important to *ME*... I'm allowed to be selfish. I've put myself out for this planet. The days of Sailor Moon are over. Now it's just me. Tsukino Usagi. And that's all that matters.

I find myself looking over to Minako again and again. She just smiled at me and beckoned with her finger. Maybe just a few kisses wouldn't hurt...

I think my heart's desire is running her hands across my chest...

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	12. March 5th, 2000

Author's Note:

Well, ladies and gentlemen... It would appear that there will be a standoff between FanFiction.Net and over 12,500 visitors and members of FanFiction.Net at the time of this writing. I have given this great thought, and I will continue to post Dear Diary regularly on FanFiction.Net until I see the end results of the NC-17 Petition on October 12th.

I write because I derive pleasure from knowing that other people enjoy it. I will not dissatisfy them, but I am not going to change my story to meet the ridiculous demands of those who have caused this ban of NC-17 to occur. Let me shout it out from the rooftops!

"Kiss My Ass In All It's Massive Size And Glory!"

I'm not going to prevent your kids from reading about sex.

That's your job. Grow up and be a parent.

*clearing throat*

Having said that, SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's Wednesday, only 3 days since my last entry. Minako left yesterday to go on tour throughout China. She invited me to come with, but I declined. If she and I are going to be together, there will be lots of times when I won't get to see her because of her career. Might as well start getting used to it now, I suppose. Besides, it'll be nice to have a little bit of private time.

But anyways, it IS Wednesday, which is unusual for me! I always write this in bed on Sunday night. But I decided that I would take my diary around with me today and write as I did things. It is now ten in the morning, and I'm going to walk to the coffee shop for a donut and some tea.

Alright. I've had my tea and two donuts. And ran into Mamoru. He and I sat and ate quietly for the most part, talking a little bit, but mostly just enjoying each other's company. I don't even understand why he still talks to me. I've killed our little girl, Chibi-Usa, whose name I can only remember because I wrote it down in here. I guess that means that she'll never be born if I can't remember her or why she came here without reading back.

But he talks to me kindly. Sometimes I wish that he would hate me, but maybe the kami prevent him from that so that my guilt would weigh twice as heavily upon my shoulders. Oh well. I suppose that Fate doesn't look so kindly upon those that would dare to change its course. Minako taught me a new term for things like that. I'm not sure how it's spelled because it's from France, but it sounds like "say la vee". She says it means "Oh well".

Anyways, after the tea and donuts, he and I walked through the park that I've fought in so many times. I kept expecting something to jump out from me from behind the trees. I'm just so accustomed to fighting there. I guess that some things never change.

We came to his house after a few minutes of exiting the park. Mamoru has a house! It's really nice and spacious, but I didn't go inside. It's funny, I never imagined him in a house. I always remember him in that condo he lived in when I was in school.

I gave him a kiss on his cheek as I waved and began walking back towards the house. I'm on my way there now, but out of the corner of my eye, I see the arcade that the girls and I frequented back in those days. I wonder if Motoki still works there. I'll go in and find out.

Well, I just spent two hours in the arcade! Motoki isn't there anymore, but it's still almost the same as I remember it. Well, the games have changed, of course... but at least the Sailor V game I loved as a teenager is still there. I played it for a long time, and did surprisingly well. In fact, I don't think I ever got as high a score as I did today when I was in school.

I've been walking around for a while now. It's been a long time since I've just gone exploring and shopping a little bit through the city. Talk about a great way to pass the time, but I can't help but to think about Minako a lot. Maybe I am actually falling for her.

Maybe this time away from Minako will decide whether she and I have a chance to be together after all. I mean, if I'm completely obsessed with having her back here with me by the time she gets back, that should tell me something, right?

It's still only a little after 5 in the afternoon. I'm not going to go home yet. I think I'll drop by Makoto and Ami's apartment. I'll write more later.

Oh Diary, the effects that the fight between Rei and I are even present between Ami and Makoto. Makoto is gone. She told Ami one morning that she was going up into the mountains to the temple she trained at so many years ago, and then just left. Ami is a wreck. I'm going to take her out to dinner, and then we're going to get some movies and a lot of ice cream and go back to my house.

Well, it's like midnight, and Ami is finally asleep. She and I are going to pack up some stuff tomorrow morning and go find Makoto. I'll talk some sense into her myself if Ami can't get through. Makoto had better listen to me. All of this happening just serves me to be even angrier at Rei and her selfishness. She is at the root of all of this. After I make Makoto come to her senses, I'm gonna finish this with Rei once and for all.

I'm tired. See you on Sunday, Diary.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	13. March 18th, 2000

tAuthor's Note:

First, let me let the Hallelujah Chorus assemble! Over twenty thousand individuals have signed the petition to keep NC-17 rated stories alive and well. Let the freedom of thought ring. It's sad when a fan fiction website decides to ban us from unlocking our imagination and freeing our soul as it were.

And without further interruptions...

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I didn't write my entry last Sunday... I have to keep sure I'm more mindful, but I'm sure that it's okay. Since my last entry, so many things have happened. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's this...

I love Minako... but I also love Rei. I want both of them... This is Fate's cruel joke against me. To love both of them. How do I decide? How do I choose the one who will lose? How do I keep my own heart from breaking at the same time?

I am racked with guilt. Minako is laying beside me, exhausted. She just got back tonight from her tour, and the first thing she asked me was whether I missed her. I couldn't even answer her. I don't know whether to be thankful whether my embrace gave her the answer she wanted.

Well, last time I said that I was going to go find Makoto and yell at her. The funny thing is that as soon as Ami and I were going to leave my house, Makoto showed up at the door. Anyways, they needed to talk, so they went home, and I drove straight over to Rei's temple. I'll regret it forever.

As I climbed the stairs to the courtyard, Yuuichiro passed me... carrying all of his possessions to his car. He stopped as I turned to look at him... and he turned to face me. I can remember the look in his eyes, so full of anger and hatred. It was then I knew what had happened, as he slapped me hard with the back of his hand. He and Rei had split up.

I cried and ran up the stairs to see Rei throwing more of his things out of her bedroom. She stopped briefly as she saw me, only to go back into the interior of the room and reappear at the door, holding her crystal henshin wand.

She stared at me, and I couldn't even move... and then she threw at me, cursing me. I barely moved out of the way, but then I was angry. I was angry at everything. What she had done, the way she made me feel, the problems she and I sharing radiating out through our friends.

I picked up her wand and stormed into her bedroom, where she was sitting on her bed. I could feel the anger just surging through me... I threw her wand at the wall, and I remember how the star embedded into the wall. I grabbed a fistful of her dress and forced her to her feet. I told her that she had a lot of nerve being angry at me, and the choices I have made since she chose to be rude and careless of my heart.

She told me I didn't know anything. That she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, as long as she lived. That her duty to me was finished. That I had ruined her life, that I had ruined her eventual marriage.

I slapped her and we started fighting. I don't even know what came over me... We fought for so long, longer than I thought I'd ever stand a chance against an experienced fighter like Rei, but finally, she pinned me down on the floor. I can remember the look in her eyes. I was so tired, and when she loosened her grip, I hurt all over and couldn't even bring myself to move.

And then she kissed me. She awakened every sensation I remembered from that night, and it was like I was in the tent with her all over again. I am so ashamed. The desire for her awakened again, and drowned out everything else. She told me that I knew the reason her marriage was over, and I knew. Because she and I wanted each other.

But I don't know... What about Minako??

What will I do? I left Rei's nearly 24 hours later, and the guilt and shame smother me, and it's like I can't breathe. I love both of you... why couldn't you leave me alone with my happiness, Rei? Why can't I ever have anything easily?? All I want to do now is fall asleep with Minako...

At least she isn't unsure of how she feels.

**__**

Tsukino Usagi


	14. The Finale: March 25th, 2000

SgAltima Presents:

**__**

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I have come to treasure the times when I can write about the things that are happening in my life in here. It seems like there is no one that I can relate my feelings to, and I feel some semblance of relief when I can let everything out and just blurt out the chaos inside me, even if no one hears except me.

Minako came to a decision that has all of Japan in an uproar. She decided that she will no longer create new albums and is retiring from being an idol after her newest album is released. I've known for a year now that she has grown weary of the lifestyle that she leads as a pop star, which is different from the life she imagined when we were younger.

Everyone is bursting with questions. Why, Minako?? What will you do now, Minako?? Will you go to television and movies, Minako?? Will you model, Minako?? My question is the first.

Why are you doing this, Minako? Are you giving up the life you dreamed of for so long because of me? Because of the little time we have together? If so, I would so hope that you would change your mind. The Silver Crystal will give us an eternity together. Cherish this time now...

I went to Rei's shrine this week.... and it is empty. The fire that burned inside continuously for so many years is dead, and the jinja is completely abandoned except for a note with my name on it. It is a very sad time for me, and I shall save this letter in here with my thoughts and memories of Rei.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Dearest Usagi,

For so many years, I have stood by your side. Through the hardest points in our lives, we have stood together. But our lives are headed in different directions now. Mamoru has told me that he will go back to America soon, and I will go with him. I plan to find a quiet spot and regain my serenity.

I wish you happiness with Minako. Maybe one day, I will find my happiness. I will always be ready to stand besides you. I have always been and will always be your friend.

Sailor Mars

~~~~~~~~~~

The day following my visit to the jinja, I gave Mamoru a phone call, and I got his answering machine. The message said something to the effect of how he was in America trying to secure an apartment before he transferred for good to accept his new position writing for a newspaper.

So it was true. Mamoru was leaving for America, and Rei was leaving with him to start a new life without me. I am sad and happy in a way. I don't understand why she had to leave Japan and her friends behind to do it. At least I will finally be free to be happy with someone for the first time in a long time.

Well, now it's time to begin writing about all of the good things that have been happening now before I end up depressing myself in the future when I come back and read this.

I woke up one morning to find myself not alone in my bed. An experience that isn't unusual now that Minako stays with me, but Minako wasn't there. My mother was sitting on the side of my bed. I really need to get some sort of locked door so I can prevent her from accidentally walking in on Minako and I.

She told me that my father wanted to talk to me. That's all she said and then she just simply smiled at me and walked out of my bedroom and back downstairs. I remember throwing some clothes on and walking downstairs to find my parents sitting on the couch.

As soon as I appeared in the doorway, Ikuko got up quietly and walked out of the room. My father smiled as he gestured for me to take the seat that she had just left. I sat down apprehensively, knowing that this had to do with Minako.

"So... I've had a discussion with Mamoru-san.", he told me. I was confused and asked him why he would be talking with Mamoru. My father smiled and told me that a long time ago, Mamoru did the right thing behind my back and introduced himself and our relationship to my father. Now that I think about it, that really is the type of thing that my Mamo-chan would have done. Oh well.

So I tried to casually play along and asked him what he and Mamoru had talked about. My father turned in his position to face me and said simply that he knew what was happening and that he was disappointed. I thought I was in for some sort of argument, but then he said that the reason that he was disappointed was that I wouldn't include him.

I couldn't even look at him when I told him that I didn't want him to be ashamed of me and that's why I didn't want him to know. He smiled and told me that even if Mamoru hadn't told him, it was easy to figure things out from the fact that Minako lived in my bedroom.

Seems I could have been more subtle... Oh well.

Anyways, he told me that he loved me, and he had always liked Minako and that it wasn't every person who got to live in the same house with a pop star. And he even suggested I have someone put a door at the top of the stairs that I could lock! I knew I always loved my father for a reason.

I threw my arms around him and cried. It was so wonderful to know that I didn't have to hide a huge secret from him anymore. I ran upstairs to find the sound of music drifting down from the room at the top of the second flight of stairs.

I went upstairs to find Minako reclining in the window ledge with her electric guitar, softly singing and playing "Love and Beauty Shock" a lot slower than it usually played. I sat down at her keyboard and began to play along with her. She hadn't even noticed me until I started playing, because I was just looking at her when I started to play and she looked up suddenly and smiled.

We just played and played for the longest time before she set down her guitar and just stared out the window. I spoke up and told her that Kenji had finally confronted me about our relationship. She looked over at me, the obvious question plastered all over her face. I smiled inwardly and began to stall, acting as though trying to find a nice way to tell her bad news.

She frowned until I told her that my father had accepted what was happening and didn't disown me. She laughed and threw one of the cushions she was sitting against at my face. I dodged, laughing hard, and ran at her with the cushion she had hurled at me. We began warring with our respective blows until she got me down on the floor on my back.

I'm so glad I had carpeting installed up there...

She pinned me down to the floor the same way that Rei had... but she just stayed there, with me on the floor like that for what seemed like the longest time... completely silent...

Then she laid down next to me and looked into my eyes. She laid her hand on my cheek and told me that she had to know. I asked her what she needed to know, and she told me she had to know that it was her and not Rei... that I wasn't using her as a substitute for Rei... that I loved her.

I looked at her quietly for a minute and then smiled. I told her that there was only enough room for her in my heart, and that fact was good enough for me. She smiled and begun to undress me slowly.

I think my heart's desire is to fulfill her heart's desire. I've made my choice, and as I look over at my beautiful Minako, I am sure I made the right choice. This is only the beginning for Minako and I.

Rei... I pray with my whole heart that you find something to fill the hole in your heart. I hate to wonder if our friendship is gone forever, but I have a feeling that you and I will share our friendship again someday. Please don't hate me forever... I would hate to spend this eternity without your company.

As always, I am...

**__**

Tsukino Usagi

~~~~

So that is it. Dear Diary is complete, and I don't think anything else needs to be said.

Rest assured that this will not be the last diary. But for now, Dear Diary feels finished to me. Hopefully you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it for you.

Please review. *smiling*

Your Servant,

**__**

SgAltima


End file.
